SEX AND TECHNOLOGY

5 TIPS TO HELP PARENTS TALK TO THEIR KIDS ABOUT SEX AND TECHNOLOGY:

1. TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IN CYBERSPACE

2. KNOW WHO YOUR KIDS ARE COMMUNICATING WITH.

3. CONSIDER LIMITATIONS ON ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION.

4. BE AWARE OF WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE POSTING PUBLICLY

5. SET EXPECTATIONS

*for more information check out:
http://tinyurl.com/mjcj6x

AUTHENTIC PARENTING

Authentic Parenting
By Maureen Healy

Created Dec 19 2008 - 12:46pm
Were your parents the perfect example of what not to do? Did they use a wooden paddle? Or say "because I said so" in response to your insatiable curiosity. Were you sent to your room repeatedly? Or told you couldn't do it? Was childhood something to survive versus thrive in? Surely, I met a paddle or two and have evolved beyond that paradigm. So have you. Our imperfect parents were perfect in revealing to us some less than optimum child-rearing methods. And just perhaps they were doing the best they could with the resources they had in those moments (i.e. emotional, mental, spiritual and financial).

The authentic shift

Parenting today is an emotionally integrated program. Gone are the days of solely seeking to control your child (i.e. sitting quietly at the table, do homework). It's a shift towards encouraging, empowering and developing skills of emotional health in your child (i.e. courage, confidence, compassion, character and self-regulation). We have arrived at a new evolutionary place in parenting. It's a style where most parents wish to be their genuine imperfect selves openly - its authentic parenting.

For example, Tina came home from a hugely busy day at the publishing house to a great big mess. Her knee jerk reaction kicked in and she screamed at her 4 year-old Tommy. It felt terrible. She knew her behavior wasn't appropriate. Tina kneeled down and told Tommy "I am sorry - Mommy wasn't very skillful in her behavior. It's not your fault" and he hugged her. Tommy then looked up wide-eyed and said "Mom, I love you. I understand." This simple act is profound.

Such acts plant seeds of honesty, open communication and emotional fuel to empower a child's truth. Children are constantly learning what their emotions are, how to feel them, what to do with them and if it's okay to express them in this emotionally turbulent world. Parenting with authenticity has potency. It is the first step in guiding a child to be courageously true to themselves and others. It is encouraging their emotional expansion for the benefit of all.

Like water

Children need genuine connections like plants need water. It is a must. In order for a child to healthfully develop into his or her best self there needs to be a place in their life where they feel safe, honest, open, trusted and valued. School may not be that place. Sometimes learning centers have very narrow views of intelligence, talent and creative freedom to express your true self. I certainly never understood learning sex education from catholic school nuns in 5th grade - it didn't make sense to me. Educational systems often have many of these paradoxes alive and well.

"Children learn to smile from their parents" stated Suzuki who introduced millions to his Suzuki method. I believe this to be true. Being a model of emotional health is powerful parenting. Not perfection but emotional honesty. It is what children need so desperately. Imprinting is not exclusive to the animal kingdom. Children are always observing how you feel anger, joy, frustration, contentment, success and express it in the world.

Recently, a famous research scientist credited his mother's parenting style for his modern day success. At age 2, he went over to the refrigerator got his bottle, let it slip from his hands and spilled the milk literally all over the floor. Mom came over with an even tempered response stating "What a wonderful mess! Want to play in it?" So he played and played. Upon finishing his mother then said "Well, that was a failed experiment - shall we try again outside with a new bottle?" A seed was planted within him that mistakes are the stepping stones of victory. Also, a skill of great emotional health.

Charting your course

Are you the master of your own emotional ship? Or do you get swayed by the constant influx of negative and afflictive states (i.e. anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness)? Are you proactive to create positive life conditions? Or seem to just be constantly reacting to one negative event after another? And perhaps you are somewhere in the middle. You have learned how to mostly regulate negative emotions, manage stress, foster positive feelings and pave a path of emotional well-being.

Mindfully creating an authentic parenting and personal style that fosters the best from you and others is a process. Keep at it. This work is extraordinary. It is your legacy. Through learning to use your emotional rudder well you simultaneously teach this power to your children (and their children and so on).

And remember

"To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition" is one of the most notable definitions of success as stated by Emerson.






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Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/2743

BE CERTAIN TO SIGN UP FOR THE PERFECT FIT-FINDING YOUR IDEAL PARENTING STYLE "RELATING TO RESISTANT CHILDREN" WWW.SARAKHOFFSTOT.COM

THE PERFECT FIT-FINDING YOUR IDEAL PARENTING STYLE SEMINAR

THE PERFECT FIT-FINDING YOUR IDEAL PARENTING STYLE SEMINAR:

RELATING TO YOUR RESISTANT CHILD



Parent/Child Personality Development and Empowerment:

Establish communication and conflict resolution techniques by identifying parent and child personality traits and love languages.



Mindful Parenting:

Learn strategies to reduce your personal stress levels in order to discipline your child in a positive loving way.



Relating to Resistant Children:

Learn about the psychology of control to help understand resistant children.




http://tinyurl.com/m8v636


http://perfectfitparenting.blogspot.com/





*ALL THREE TOPICS ARE ON ONE NIGHT 7/30/09 FROM 6-9PM

*CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, MELISSA KINSER WILL BE THE GUEST SPEAKER OF THE NIGHT

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LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS

Letting Go of Expectations: A Lesson in Mindful Parenting
By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.
Created Jun 16 2009 - 8:41am


Recently, I received an e-mail from my son's daycare program concerning his start of school in the fall. The program director, a wonderfully compassionate and enthusiastic person, knits blankets for all of the incoming children. She uses a design that is personally meaningful to each child in order to help him or her adjust better to the school (and make nap time more fun). So, she asked a simple question, "What does your child want on his blanket?"

Almost instantly, the responses from parents started flowing in to the listserv.

"Aiden would like a cowboy with a sword riding a blue dinosaur."
"Emma loves her cat, Sparkles, and princesses. So, please design a blanket with Sparkles wearing a crown. Here's a jpeg of Sparkles."
"Toshi adores Van Gogh and Monet (not Manet). Perhaps you could do a rendition of ‘Starry Night' or the ‘Haystack' series?"

I was amazed by the sophistication and specificity of people's answers. "Well, I'm sure that my son, E., will have a very intelligent and cool answer, too." I thought to myself. I approached him confidently.

Me: "Next year, when you go to school, there will be a special blanket for you, E. What picture do you want on your blanket?"

E.: "Apple juice!"

Me: "No, on your blanket, what picture do you want?"

E.: "E. jump on bed!"

Hmm...this clearly was not working. And, my mind fill concernedly with thoughts about my son's ability to think and focus relative to his peers. "How come all the other kids get it, and my son can't?!" I wondered. (Parenthood, as I've discovered, is rife with the temptation to compare our children to others. Indeed, the whole parenting culture--at least in NYC--seems to perpetuate it, almost from birth. I almost expected the doctor who delivered our latest son, R., to declare, "Your son is a healthy 8 pounds even. My son was 8 pounds, 4 ounces." As you might know, it's not just comparison, but a hint of competition as well...)

So, I decided to try again later. "He's not articulating his blanket preference because he's hyper-focused on something else right now." I concluded. "This, unfortunately, is one of the drawbacks of his laser-beam-like attention." I thought smugly. Not surprisingly, this feeding of my ego helped me feel better over the short-term. And yes, I am equating my ego with my son--what's it to you?! (smile)

I tried again later. I sat him down on the couch and talked to him man-to-man, or rather man-to-boy (I don't want him to grow-up too early!). "E., this fall, you'll be going to school. At school, you'll get a special blanket which will have a picture on it. What picture do you want on your blanket?" He paused, reflected for a moment, and decided, "Daddy, play trains!" I persisted, "No, I mean on your blanket..." "E. go downstairs. No shoes!" he replied.

As you can see, I had little choice but to conclude that E. cannot grasp the concept of "a blanket in the future". He also displayed a disturbing penchant for ending his sentences with exclamation points. "What's wrong with him?! Is he delayed in some way?" I thought nervously. I tried to muster some confidence in his responses by putting them in a Buddhist perspective. "Well, perhaps he's embodying the ephemeral nature as reflected by his changing desires. Or, he might be taking the role of a Zen master posing koans. That's very wise of him." I though. These attempts to bolster my ego by elevating my son's karmic status were not very effective, though.

Ultimately, I gave-up trying to elicit a sophisticated blanket theme from him. Instead, I simply made a decision based on how I understand his preferences and interests. It was nothing too exotic, and even mundane. And, it's taken me a little while to come to accept it.

Fortunately, I learned a few things from this experience. First, parenting can be a quite a fruitful area for informal mindfulness practice. At a conference recently, Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn described parenting as an "18 year retreat." They noted how kids "push our buttons", which can prompt us to react negatively. As Myla stated, "Sometimes, we don't live love. We live fear and anxiety and the thoughts that take over us." In this instance, I started to feel anxious about my son's unhelpful replies and became lost in my own reactions. By seeing this cirumstance as problematic and trying to fix it, I unfortunately missed out on some fun play time.

Second, as parents, we need to see our children for whom they really are, not who we imagine, expect, or want them to be. The Kabat-Zinns refer to this as respecting the "sovereignty" of our children, or allowing E. to be E. in this instance. Now, this doesn't mean letting them do everything that they want: we need to set appropriate limits and boundaries out of love, clarity, and an empathic understanding of our children. Rather, it means tuning into their experiences and preferences unfettered by our own judgments.

Finally, parenting is a reminder to "stop identifying with personal pronouns," as stated by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Thinking of family members as my son, my cat, my family, my wife, etc. intensifies my own ego, and causes emotional turmoil when they aren't behaving in the way that I want. By not attaching my self to their behavior, I am more open to understand and accept their experiences. Also, I am less likely to view other parents and children in ways that are comparative and competitive.

All in all, applying mindfulness to parenting can be quite an enriching, enlightening, and humbling experience. It doesn't take much more time to be mindful, and it helps us embody what we seek to practice in our personal lives (both on and off the cushion). When we're mind-less as parents, we can act in ways that are unhelpful or even harmful. Through awareness, empathy, acceptance, and compassion, we can pave the way to develop what Myla Kabat-Zinn calls "heartfulness."


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Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/29971

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children"

King Edward VIII

Daily Reflection

"Act your age, not your shoe size!" I can still hear my mother echo that sentiment to me like it was yesterday. But what does that saying truly mean? When a child is not acting their age, this means that they are overly stressed and have reverted back to a developmental zone of comfort (an earlier time in their life when they felt safe.) We are not linear beings and we do not travel a linear time path in forward motion. We have the ability to 'time travel' as emotional beings, oscillating between the past and the present ( and the future) in any given second.

As parents, when our children are acting their shoe size instead of their age, they need us to meet them at their emotional age. They need us to be present with them for that very moment. When we are able to do this with them and join them, they can then have the safety and security to shift back to their chronological age. Forcing this movement through verbal statements only feeds their fear and does not bring the children back to the present in a regulated state. It in fact does the opposite, it forces the child to stay in the state that they are currently in or it forces them to move back even further. The best way to reach your child is to approach them in a regulated state yourself and then respond to them based on their emotional age versus their chronlogical age. Through your love, understanding, and patience eventually your child will feel safe and regulated enough to join you in the present.

Helping your child move back into a regulated state is nearly impossible if the parent is coming from an unregulated state themselves. Parents can become more mindful by walking away and using self talk to allow themselves to calm down before attempting to calm their child who is acting their emotional age versus their chronological age. If you would like to learn more stratagies on how to be a mindful parent check out our Perfect Fit Seminar: Finding Your Ideal Parenting Style coming July 30th from 6-9 at 11135 Olive Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63141.

PARENT-CHILD COMMUNICATION

When young people feel unconnected to home, family, and school, they may become involved in activities that put their health and well-being at risk. However, when parents affirm the value of their children, young people more often develop positive, healthy attitudes about themselves. Although most adults want young people to know about abstinence, contraception, and how to prevent HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), parents often have difficulty communicating about sexuality. Nevertheless, communicating about sexuality is important—positive communication between parents and their children greatly helps young people to establish individual values and to make healthy decisions.

Read on for more information...http://tinyurl.com/ltuqx8

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life."

Chuck Palahniuk

Practice These Cognitive Changes

1. I know that I'm not a bad parent if I don't arrange my life to be available to chauffeur the children every day until they're adults.
2. I'm allowed to say no to requests that keep me from having time to pursue my life purpose. 3. There's no such thing as "a place for everything and everything in its place."
4. There's no right way to do anything.
5. I can have it my way because there are no absolute universal rules.

Motherhood-Making Us Smarter!

New Mom Ph.D.How motherhood makes women smarter and more mentally agile.
By: Jennifer Drapkin

Tired, overwhelmed women often feel as if having a baby causes their minds to turn to mush. Not so. In her book, The Mommy Brain, Katherine Ellison cites research showing motherhood makes women smarter and more mentally agile.

There is no more challenging time in a woman's life than when she has a baby, says Ellison, and human evolution has ensured that she is well equipped to handle it. Alert, efficient and empathetic, a mother's mind is designed to make the species survive.

Although some of the benefits, such as heightened sensory awareness, seem to last only as long as it takes the baby to grow up, others may be lifelong. According to Ellison, the mental dexterity that mothers gain from raising their kids may translate permanently into greater empathy and assertiveness.

The New, Improved Mommy Brain:
A combination of motivation, practice and hormones gives mothers intellectual strengths they may have never had before.

Mom's new traits, why she's different, and what's happening:
Face Reading -Mothers of toddlers are better at reading facial expressions than women who don't have children. Mothers develop attention to tiny changes in expression and body language in their kids, actually expanding the brain's circuits related to empathy.

Multitasking- Mother rats can simultaneously solve mazes and find food much more quickly than childless rats. During pregnancy and early motherhood, the brain is bathed in estrogen, which increases connections in the cerebral cortex that deal with attention and complex tasks.

Serenity- Three to six months after delivery, breastfeeding mothers are less tense, less edgy and less bored. Mothers experience greater sensitivity to the hormone oxytocin, what anthropologist Sarah Hrdy calls "the endocrinological equivalent of candlelight, soft music and a glass of wine."

Fearlessness -Rat moms will venture into broad daylight; human moms will swim across the Rio Grande. Elevated levels of prolactin, the "parenting" hormone, makes mothers willing to risk their lives for their babies.

Psychology Today Magazine, May/Jun 2005Last Reviewed 3 Jun 2009Article ID: 3769

Daily Reflection

The most important 'nutrients' our children need are unconditional love, acceptance, and validation. The daily grind of getting out of the house on time, finishing up homework, and getting to bed at a decent hour, can put us in a place of giving conditional love, rejection, and invalidation. It is at this point that we have lost everything.

*remembering that if your child's love language is quality time, making certain that you are giving them their quality time, is of upmost importance*

WORMS

little boys and their worms...my son has been trying to convince me most of the day that there are "inside worms and they like to be inside" while strategically placing them on our laundry room floor...do all little boys love worms?

Daily Reflection

When 'in the moment' with your child, your child is in his right brain. He is emotional and he is unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking (i.e., his left brain.) Asking him to tell you 'why' he is acting in this way is non-productive. Asking him to make a 'choice' is impossible. And asking him to 'stop' is against nature. Allow yourself to join your child in his dysregulated emotional place. Let the rational thought and the life lesson follow later when he is calm and more receptive. Join him in love and allow him the space to be all he knows how to be for that very moment.

*remember this situation is speaking when the child is at the his highest point in escalation. if you took the Perfect Fit-Finding Your Ideal Parenting Style, "relating to resistant children" seminar you would have given him the two choices before this point.*